I Lost Myself Today, To See If I Still Feel…

Decided this evening that, doesn’t matter how this ends, I’d let myself be.

Not be hard on myself for how people see me. Not bother what was being said behind my back. Not be controlled, or pretend to put up a face that someone was expecting to see on me.

Not be sensible. Not be stupid.

Unattractive. Desperate. Professional. Or competitive. And certainly not feel even one worse than anyone else.

Not be confused. Or moral and righteous. Not be torn apart in all directions about who I did or did not want to be.

But to completely OWN everything I was. Just be outraged and unstoppable and hammer down the walls around me that seem to have grown thicker as I try to hide away everyday.

I’d have that brownie sundae that I’ve been ‘avoiding’.

I’d smile and hug that good-looking man! And not feel it wasn’t within my right to.

I’d gulp down pint after can of beer… every single one I could find!

LAUGH SO HARD… laugh so hard I couldn’t remember how miserable I’ve been feeling, or why.

And what did I find…

I was free as a bird.

I could fall and not be hurt.

I could talk without making sense, and still be heard.

The faster we moved

The louder I sang

The sweeter the abandon

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sip! Sip! Sip! J

The hazy smoke… all up in circles,

smelling like every vivid memory in my mind,

playing around the curvy little smile on my face.

Branding happiness on my dirty brown skin.

Crazy hair riding the polluted city wind

And boy, could I care any less!

I did not have to apologise for any of it.

I was in love with the night…

In love with the stumbling steps

In love with all the strangers smiling at me

In love with the unknowns who made sure I was safe

And the dark outsiders I bid good night to!

And the mistakes I made that I wouldn’t have to worry about till the next day, when I was sober again.

I was really happy tonight.

And I just wanted you to read this,

‘cos I thought you’d be happy to know.

Play on..

Celebrating tragedies with people who caused it,
With people who we ruined,
With people who are still sitting across the table, sharing a smile & ready to lend a shoulder... at the end of it all.

All the pain forgotten.
All the pain forgiven.
@ a few laughs.

Compromises, made willingly.
Promises, made knowing they can't be fulfilled - forgiven.

Wishes, that we wished as we drifted into fantasy.
Beautiful memories we stole from a cruel reality.
And memories of a future that may never happen.
Of a future that beat us to it.

But, the game of life is still on.
So we carry on, and give it our best shot.

(Jan 13th, '11
8:53 pm)

Resurrection

High on life. Happy about nothing.

All worries up in flames.

Raising a glass, to the fights and grudges.

That end up in stupid drunk poetry.

Lamenting about life, like we're not the same person we've been all this while.. like we're someone else.

Writing off the hatred with a casual laugh, shared with a friend.

Tired, but not beaten.

Back to being a better version of ourselves.

One that we know, one that we love.

And one that we want to be... at the end of each day.

(Jan 13th, '11

8:47 pm)

The Trip

Of pigs and magic tricks

Stupid smile pasted on the lips

Raining beats and tunes and voices

And the fettered spirit rejoices

Intoxicated

Resuscitated

Liberated

Splashing against my window

Trickling through my blood

Drawn into every breath I take

Crawling across my skin.. creeping in

Uprooting my senses,

And luring me into an unfamiliar abandon

Bleed

Crossing paths, Weaving relationships

Everyone on their own trips

Grappling with the old and the new

Lies told with faces of stone

Relishing every bit of the pain

Chances missed to say words they want to hear

And why you won't lie even though you hold them dear

Creeping closer a second, running off the other

When it's meant to be over, why even bother

Grudges and resentment, a lot to harbour

Till u break down n explode. And then only to start another

Bumping and crashing, relishing the conflict

Loneliness and distrust, on yourself you inflict

Take the cuts to your heart. And breathe.

U'll live...

A Journey.

A restless sleep. Cartoon Network night. Driving across city and all the way back, and all the way back again. Missed trains. Lost books. Getting over lost books. And phones falling apart. And dresses burnt.

THINGS... just things.

Bangalore bandh... empty streets. Coffeehouse observations. Caffeine.

FRIENDS. The kind who drive you across town 3 times, without complaining, because they're "enjoying talking to you".

The kind who plan and arrange your dream vacation from across the country, and worry you're mad at them... because you thanked them.

The kind who get their drinks and join you on the wet bathroom floor in the middle of the night as you sit there trying to.. puke!

The kind who laugh off your every mistake just so you wouldn't worry.

The kind who're happy for your happiness whatever they may be going through.

The kind who wouldn't pick up calls or reply to your messages all day but say just one line, and bring your scattered world back together.

RISKS. The kind you'd hoped you'd get the chance to take.

The kind you get the chance to take.

The kind you hope you're brave enough to take.

Driving around. People laughing. City streets. Bangalore traffic jams.

All passing in front of my eyes in slow motion.

Gratitude. For everything.

And for the many journeys to come...

Smoky Fingers

You're just the scent of cigarette smoke. It's blown away with the wind.

A little just lingers on my fingertips.

I'm high. And you've left me dizzy.

That's just what I needed u for.

Illusions, the ones we decide to be a part of.

Knowing they'll do us harm, eventually.

Worlds

Worlds end. But only for new ones to begin. Or for us to notice the ones that had already begun when we were too busy being stuck on ones that had already ended, only we didn't know it.

Home?

We kept bumping into each other.

All of us.

Here and there. Now and again.

Everyone knew everyone. Or seemed to know everyone.

Had I stayed on, we all would have known each other.

Don't know if I would be strong enough to have everyone know me.

Judge me. And we all do it all the time.

Don't know if I'd made enough mistakes to want to not make any more.

If I knew all the wrongs to know which ones I liked, and which ones to avoid.

Don't know if I would be open enough to have everyone be a part of my life,

Even if they only meant well.

And even if they did, and I would, it would still be so lonely.

One thing to share sadness, another to be able to erase it.

To replace it with better times.

I don't know if I could have it there.

I don't know if I can have it here, anymore.

I certainly can't in the place that was first home. And home is what I don't know what is anymore.

We Both Knew

That you were a liar

And I could not be trusted

(My rhymes just came to a halt at that this time.. lol)

-Pondering over Shams we Choose to Believe In-

You didn't stay then, I'll take it you had your reasons

I'm gonna fly too.. because it hurts to be in such loveless liaisons

I can't be stuck in this muck; knowing

That you hate me; It suffocates me

And every word you said... to show how much you care

Was a sham

I believed in it;

Maybe that's why I'm hating myself so much sometimes these days...

Every thought of that encounter; which made me flounder

Looking over my lone shoulder for some sympathy

Makes me pity, and not like myself, all the more

I'm gonna fly, away.

I gotta free myself from the bonds that you lay on me,

Claiming it to be what mattered the most; before you walked away

without a trace

without a grudge

without a shred of guilt

I believed it all.

(Insane and unreal as it seemed!)

Never will I believe again.

And I wonder, if it will help me like myself...

If it will help me not hate myself...

It's been so long...

It's been so long since I wandered, aimlessly.

It's been so long since the song, that I loved;

and there's been silence, since.

My mind needs a sound.

My eyes need a sight, never seen before.

My hand would like another, to share it.

I crave (close) friends at times.

But there's no one here I don't know.

I don't want to know them;

For sometimes it is all too well;

And it's not a good thing.

Plastic bags slither, and flying biscuits glide past my eyes,

Cutting through the chilly Dhasa air;

It's all in my mind.

The eyes search, sometimes, to meet a stare that is on the same page

Only to find one, and doubt if it's from a liar's eyes...

Us. (according to me)

A cigarette to keep you close to my heart

A cigarette to keep you off my mind

A cigarette in moments of peaceful solitude

A cigarette during times of the tumultuous grind

A cigarette of a song

A cigarette with a breeze

A whiff of cigarette smoke

to bring a beautiful moment to freeze

A breath on your lips

transferred to mine

Our crazy trippy bike trips

that feel so wrong and divine

Your hands, my hair

Don't mind the disapproving stares

Nights that arrive before day ends

Days spent huddled up in bed

A thoughtful scribble, an inaccurate sketch

And on a tiny restaurant tissue these memories you etch

Smiles and winks stolen in between

Distant, wistful cattle farm dreams

But as fleeting and unreal as it seems

I love you. In this moment.

As in the last. And in the next.

All the more.

:)

[*Pardon the mixed up rhyme scheme.

And the abrupt, silly ending!]

Going Away...

The bus starts to move

I let go of your hand.

A little more... A little more..

Where is your smile gone?

In my head, it happens over and over.

The wheels turn. And turn...

All other moments are forgotten.

The scattered words return.

Smiling blindly, I feel numb to the world around.

And my mind keeps trailing back to that moment

Where I disappointed you. And saw you (feeling) lost...

Waiting for What's Past

Words scattered from a few songs broken

Strewn around in front of me on the floor

Ringing in my head since the moment I've woken

Their echoes taunting me ever more

The songs that stand for the times we've had

Reminding me one way or another of you

And however much it makes me sad

It's something I can't help but cling onto

Loving but leaving, in those helpless pangs of passion

I stare at these persistent words and yearn

Tempted by pointless acts of aggression

Leave me be, because I just won't learn

Perpetually anxious, longing and waiting

My sanity hanging in the balance

Hopes of redemption, dissipating

As your only reply is an uneasy silence...

I really want you! :D

I want you.
I know I can't have you.
But I want you.
And everything is so perfect. You and me. So right.
But I know I can't do it now. And I know you can't either.

And this time keeps slipping by.
So mean and cruel.

Distances don't bridge.

The memories will fade away. The ones that are keeping me going these days.

Your smiling face, and that hand waving to me, blowing those final kisses my way,
dissolving into the dark, over n over, will drive me crazy.

Until I can't even see it anymore.

And that will be the saddest day of my life... Sadder even than today. And I take solace in that.
Shuddering even to think of that day, I cling on for now to what we had..

To salvage one more memory. One more little piece of me from each passing day...

I want to be with u again. And know u want it too..
But the fleeting time just won't pass.
The distance, yet not bridged.

Lines

The lines blur..
Right. Wrong.
Situations.

No space for lines.
Lines but nothing else in space.

Lines, in my hands and on your face.
Telling me a lot, but hiding the rest.

Lines to follow, lines to fudge.
Lines I cherish, and those I grudge.

Lines that curve and I want to explore.
Often leading me to shady, closed doors.

Lines that tie us together, till we choke
Lines I was meant to stay within, but broke

New lines, overwriting the old
Lines disappearing.. slowly fading away, no longer as bold
And I shall let go, since them I cannot hold...

Gates

Gates to keep us out
Gates to lock us in
Gates that I can see you through
But I can't touch you, or I must not
Defeats the purpose of the gate

If someone were to open the gates, things would be different.
If the gates were to open, I would rush out and hold you in a tight embrace.
I would look into your searching eyes and hope I give you what you're looking for...

...Shall I break it down, or do I not want to?

Am I not ready?

I need to go...

Carry me away

-I don't wanna walk.

Please shut up today

-since there's nothing for us to talk.

Stare at me not

-with those untrusting eyes.

You need not say a word

-when it's just suger-coated lies.

Hold not my hand

-when I do not hold yours back.

Just let me go

-I need to go...

(I'm sorry)

Absurdity

My heart sinks as my spirit soars
Tell me how I could find a cure
To a problem so absurd
Of which I have never even heard

Thinking I know but still not learning
The fire inside me flickeringly burning
I might go up one day in flames
But my heart sinks as it's caught up in these games
Amidst innumerable unjustified claims
-about my braindeadness.