Winter smoke...

Hanging all around the air, a silent reminder of all the sweet pain.
Wherever I go, it finds me there.
I can hardly breathe and yet it's keeping me sane.
Brings back in my mind that runaway love, and a little shiver around my shoulders. Always quiet, always scared... every step, every threat, every day.

Never knowing what next to expect, but that wintery smoke would always keep me safe.

With that tenderness of love, and a tinge of pain, that smoky chill would completely fill me in.

And even on the day I die, the winter smoke will enclose me in its warm embrace.

Oct 10, 07
6:27 pm

How

He'll get over it. Because he has nothing to lose. He's already lost everything.

I haven't lost anything in this.. at all. And I wish I had... because I wouldn't have the option then... to go back to what I have rejected already but what still awaits me, haunts me. And makes me feel ashamed, quietly deep inside. It makes me knot up so bad I want to choke up and die.. just to stop those images constantly spinning around in my head all the time... images.. of a past, so close and tempting and safe, and yet so unbearable and confining that it's almost damning, and a future, uncertain and so yet fantastic that it seems completely implausible, especially given my tendency to not believe, and the utter lack of faith in myself.

It's nothing new here, but again I'm gripped by thoughts of self-deprecation and guilt, over what I have become and if it's so terrible?

Am I right? Am I wrong?
Do I have any right to be wrong, if it makes me happy?
Would I never be happy, knowing that I'm wrong?

Surrounded by the doubts and regrets, for once, I don't want to repent what I am. I really just don't. I want to be proud and be able to move on. I just want to not be stuck here for what seems like forever. I want to not care, and not be bogged down by the thought of why I don't care.

By now, I have been told enough times that when you want something, rather than just talking about it, it's a better idea to just go for it and get it.
Be more proactive.
Take the lead.
Get rid of the complacency.

And I'd prefer that too, any day... if only the what-ifs would let me..

Meanings

Everybody has their own place in people's lives, and one must know that. This place keeps changing, and you have to keep learning to live with that.

Sometimes you underestimate your worth, sometimes you overestimate it, without even knowing it. But when you are made to realise that, you must step up, or step back. For your own good as for others'.

It's a great feeling to find that you mean more to someone than you imagined you did. And can hurt as hell to find that you don't.

Or it could all just be the other way round

Just depends on what that person means to you.

Gone

The rains will keep coming and going... but those bike rides and kisses are gone, forever...
I'll miss them.

My Empty Head

(it's rly bad, but just some silly metro timepass!)

Lighten up, let go of your worries
It'll all happen in time, there are no hurries
Cheer up, smile and have a good time
But nothing seems right when I can't rhyme

The rhythm of the music, the beat of the song
Doesn't make me feel a thing, it's been so loonng...
A thing of beauty gives a joy so pale
Time after time, I just fail, fail, FAIL

The noise and the chatter feel so quiet and dull
Keep accumulating, but never feel full
Cribbing and crying are new entertainment
My life's slipping by, moment by moment

My empty head, my empty head
It couldn't be worse if I was dead
Struggling through quicksand that isn't even there
I've become so dumb and delirious, it isn't even fair

The same old words, the same old lines
I'm going quietly crazy, don't even know the signs
Done all the games and laughter, 20 times over
Minute by minute, lower and lower

Scattered dreams, and nothing ever comes closer
Not hard to believe, but damn! I feel like such a loser
Miss my love, and I miss my smile
Missing and missing is nothing but futile

My empty head, my empty head
Cut me apart, I'd rather be dead
Walk all over me, and I wouldn't mind
Have nothing to lose, and nothing I can find

Uncomfortably Happy

It's easy to be cynical. It's easy to go on and on about how sad you feel and all that you find wrong with this world.
But it takes a lot to stand up and acknowledge how glad you are to be here, to have all that you have to do, and a lot more to look forward to.

For the past few days, I've been very happy, very very happy... for some reason, or none at all!
And yet I haven't been able to come up with a decent post to express this...
Which led me to think that maybe that isn't just the case with one blog post. That maybe even in general I have a hard time accepting that things are alright.
Almost as if I feel more comfortable surrounded by clutter, with things that I still have to fix...
And that I would feel incomplete without them. Because if I cleared them out, I'd have to move forward.. and maybe I don't know how to do that.. maybe I'm scared to do that.

And so this happiness doesn't feel fulfilling.. It feels like a fool's bliss, 'cos I'm not really going where I want to, and that I'm happy being stuck at where I'm at.
Knowing that time's passing, and people are moving on, I'm just fixed right here... pretending to be happy and content, when I know in my heart... that it's not all that I want.

I don't just want to be happy.... I want to be miserable.. I want to work hard, move around and even be frustrated at times.
I want to feel busy, feel tense, be quiet and think about some real problems.
Most of all, I just want to get somewhere...... even if it kills me.

Blank Out

There are times when I don't have anything to say.

And then I wonder, if I've just gone blank, or if I just don't have any thoughts on that matter.

If the latter is the case, then there's just sooo many things that I don't have any opinions on.... too many!

Which is strange, considering that I seem to think so much.. so much that I almost do nothing else!
Is it because I'm stuck on one thought too long and too bad to think about others?

Even so, if I thought about even one thing so much, I should be getting somewhere.. only I don't seem to...

Maybe I don't really want to think about it.. or maybe, it doesn't matter, 'cos I'm not thinking with the intention of doing anything about it anyway.. which is worse than not thinking at all..

Shut down

It does not matter how great you try to think you are, if you don't really believe it. There's no way you can sustainably fake self-respect. You gotta love yourself...you just absolutely have to figure out a way to accept what you have and appreciate it! Because at every turn of life there's gonna be things happening that will make you want to give it up, that will make you want to scrap the act... and if you do, you're not really left with much to live with.

And don't be sad, even if you want to be. Because it does not matter. You gotta pull yourself together and not feel a thing. Shut down. Just don't let that feeling get into your head... 'cos it doesn't go away. Do something. Do anything.

It does not matter how depressed you are, as long as you are engaged in something "productive".
It may not be satisfying... but atleast it's an ego boost. To cover up your hopelessness otherwise. Atleast it's a distraction from having to think about how miserable you are.

So the next time I feel like feeling bad for myself, I probably won't do it. It's just too draining to feel bad for yourself anyway!
I guesss I'll just pick something up and start working on it.

Maybe it's better than acknowledging what a loser I've been acting like and actually doing something about it... easier, not better. But painless nonetheless.