Gates

Gates to keep us out
Gates to lock us in
Gates that I can see you through
But I can't touch you, or I must not
Defeats the purpose of the gate

If someone were to open the gates, things would be different.
If the gates were to open, I would rush out and hold you in a tight embrace.
I would look into your searching eyes and hope I give you what you're looking for...

...Shall I break it down, or do I not want to?

Am I not ready?

I need to go...

Carry me away

-I don't wanna walk.

Please shut up today

-since there's nothing for us to talk.

Stare at me not

-with those untrusting eyes.

You need not say a word

-when it's just suger-coated lies.

Hold not my hand

-when I do not hold yours back.

Just let me go

-I need to go...

(I'm sorry)

Absurdity

My heart sinks as my spirit soars
Tell me how I could find a cure
To a problem so absurd
Of which I have never even heard

Thinking I know but still not learning
The fire inside me flickeringly burning
I might go up one day in flames
But my heart sinks as it's caught up in these games
Amidst innumerable unjustified claims
-about my braindeadness.

Insomnia

One more hour till the sun rises again, and I feel another day begin.
Another chance to salvage myself before it gets too late.
Well, the night has passed. And what did I do?

Cause and effect

Let me know when I weakened your cause.
Did I do it by not making a difference?

What do you mean by a 'good time'?

Your hand around my waist?
Warm fuzzy feelings inside?
A high felt from knowing I'm high?
Smoke rings and love songs in the moonlight?
Warm kisses leading to the bed?
Waking up with a stupid smile and many doubts?
Obsessing over why I'm not bothered, but knowing I'm not wrong.

Happiness.

I had a good time! :D

Wasting Away

Happy, sane, conveniently free.
I'm wasting away.

Enjoying life's many meaningless thrills.
I'm wasting away.

Talking, hearing, thinking what to say next.
Loved, praised.. but underappreciated.
I'm wasting away.

Fantasising and dramatising.
I'm wasting away.

Laughing, loving, dancing around silly.
Complacency in the name of chilling.
I'm wasting away.

Patiently restless. Efficient if not effective.
I'm wasting away.

Wilting, begging, what a pity!
Scared to start and blaming the city.
I'm wasting away.

Tired of the nothing.
Nothing to tire from.
I'm Wasting Away!

Wallflower

Displayed on your wall, pretty and smiling.
No purpose but to look pleasant and die.
Just a bundle of petals, hollow inside. Nothing but air between.
Flashing my colours at everyone who passes by so they may pass an appreciative look, approve of your 'taste'.
I cannot talk to them- of course not- I'm braindead to them.
Slow and pleasant, oh so pretty. You must be so proud.

It's killing me, but they approve. And you're so proud!
Oh well, but when I wilt away in the night, you will throw me in the bin, with your very own hands, that picked me to decorate your wall with. Glad to be of help sir!
Sorry I couldn't be more to you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see more in me.

Fleeting

I'm sittting and watching these fleeting moments pass by. I sit and just keep looking, wondering why I won't spring up and catch them!

Fears

For stepping into what has so far been uncharted territory.
Not knowing if I have the skills to survive the perils of this self-inflicted dilemma.
And if it means enough to lose all else I hold dear, and yet does not fulfill my heart, and its wild, wrong desires!

It's sabotage, of the self... and I don't mind!

Winter smoke...

Hanging all around the air, a silent reminder of all the sweet pain.
Wherever I go, it finds me there.
I can hardly breathe and yet it's keeping me sane.
Brings back in my mind that runaway love, and a little shiver around my shoulders. Always quiet, always scared... every step, every threat, every day.

Never knowing what next to expect, but that wintery smoke would always keep me safe.

With that tenderness of love, and a tinge of pain, that smoky chill would completely fill me in.

And even on the day I die, the winter smoke will enclose me in its warm embrace.

Oct 10, 07
6:27 pm

How

He'll get over it. Because he has nothing to lose. He's already lost everything.

I haven't lost anything in this.. at all. And I wish I had... because I wouldn't have the option then... to go back to what I have rejected already but what still awaits me, haunts me. And makes me feel ashamed, quietly deep inside. It makes me knot up so bad I want to choke up and die.. just to stop those images constantly spinning around in my head all the time... images.. of a past, so close and tempting and safe, and yet so unbearable and confining that it's almost damning, and a future, uncertain and so yet fantastic that it seems completely implausible, especially given my tendency to not believe, and the utter lack of faith in myself.

It's nothing new here, but again I'm gripped by thoughts of self-deprecation and guilt, over what I have become and if it's so terrible?

Am I right? Am I wrong?
Do I have any right to be wrong, if it makes me happy?
Would I never be happy, knowing that I'm wrong?

Surrounded by the doubts and regrets, for once, I don't want to repent what I am. I really just don't. I want to be proud and be able to move on. I just want to not be stuck here for what seems like forever. I want to not care, and not be bogged down by the thought of why I don't care.

By now, I have been told enough times that when you want something, rather than just talking about it, it's a better idea to just go for it and get it.
Be more proactive.
Take the lead.
Get rid of the complacency.

And I'd prefer that too, any day... if only the what-ifs would let me..

Meanings

Everybody has their own place in people's lives, and one must know that. This place keeps changing, and you have to keep learning to live with that.

Sometimes you underestimate your worth, sometimes you overestimate it, without even knowing it. But when you are made to realise that, you must step up, or step back. For your own good as for others'.

It's a great feeling to find that you mean more to someone than you imagined you did. And can hurt as hell to find that you don't.

Or it could all just be the other way round

Just depends on what that person means to you.