My heart sinks as my spirit soars
Tell me how I could find a cure
To a problem so absurd
Of which I have never even heard
Thinking I know but still not learning
The fire inside me flickeringly burning
I might go up one day in flames
But my heart sinks as it's caught up in these games
Amidst innumerable unjustified claims
-about my braindeadness.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Insomnia
One more hour till the sun rises again, and I feel another day begin.
Another chance to salvage myself before it gets too late.
Well, the night has passed. And what did I do?
Another chance to salvage myself before it gets too late.
Well, the night has passed. And what did I do?
What do you mean by a 'good time'?
Your hand around my waist?
Warm fuzzy feelings inside?
A high felt from knowing I'm high?
Smoke rings and love songs in the moonlight?
Warm kisses leading to the bed?
Waking up with a stupid smile and many doubts?
Obsessing over why I'm not bothered, but knowing I'm not wrong.
Happiness.
I had a good time! :D
Warm fuzzy feelings inside?
A high felt from knowing I'm high?
Smoke rings and love songs in the moonlight?
Warm kisses leading to the bed?
Waking up with a stupid smile and many doubts?
Obsessing over why I'm not bothered, but knowing I'm not wrong.
Happiness.
I had a good time! :D
Wasting Away
Happy, sane, conveniently free.
I'm wasting away.
Enjoying life's many meaningless thrills.
I'm wasting away.
Talking, hearing, thinking what to say next.
Loved, praised.. but underappreciated.
I'm wasting away.
Fantasising and dramatising.
I'm wasting away.
Laughing, loving, dancing around silly.
Complacency in the name of chilling.
I'm wasting away.
Patiently restless. Efficient if not effective.
I'm wasting away.
Wilting, begging, what a pity!
Scared to start and blaming the city.
I'm wasting away.
Tired of the nothing.
Nothing to tire from.
I'm Wasting Away!
I'm wasting away.
Enjoying life's many meaningless thrills.
I'm wasting away.
Talking, hearing, thinking what to say next.
Loved, praised.. but underappreciated.
I'm wasting away.
Fantasising and dramatising.
I'm wasting away.
Laughing, loving, dancing around silly.
Complacency in the name of chilling.
I'm wasting away.
Patiently restless. Efficient if not effective.
I'm wasting away.
Wilting, begging, what a pity!
Scared to start and blaming the city.
I'm wasting away.
Tired of the nothing.
Nothing to tire from.
I'm Wasting Away!
Wallflower
Displayed on your wall, pretty and smiling.
No purpose but to look pleasant and die.
Just a bundle of petals, hollow inside. Nothing but air between.
Flashing my colours at everyone who passes by so they may pass an appreciative look, approve of your 'taste'.
I cannot talk to them- of course not- I'm braindead to them.
Slow and pleasant, oh so pretty. You must be so proud.
It's killing me, but they approve. And you're so proud!
Oh well, but when I wilt away in the night, you will throw me in the bin, with your very own hands, that picked me to decorate your wall with. Glad to be of help sir!
Sorry I couldn't be more to you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see more in me.
No purpose but to look pleasant and die.
Just a bundle of petals, hollow inside. Nothing but air between.
Flashing my colours at everyone who passes by so they may pass an appreciative look, approve of your 'taste'.
I cannot talk to them- of course not- I'm braindead to them.
Slow and pleasant, oh so pretty. You must be so proud.
It's killing me, but they approve. And you're so proud!
Oh well, but when I wilt away in the night, you will throw me in the bin, with your very own hands, that picked me to decorate your wall with. Glad to be of help sir!
Sorry I couldn't be more to you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see more in me.
Fleeting
I'm sittting and watching these fleeting moments pass by. I sit and just keep looking, wondering why I won't spring up and catch them!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Fears
For stepping into what has so far been uncharted territory.
Not knowing if I have the skills to survive the perils of this self-inflicted dilemma.
And if it means enough to lose all else I hold dear, and yet does not fulfill my heart, and its wild, wrong desires!
It's sabotage, of the self... and I don't mind!
Not knowing if I have the skills to survive the perils of this self-inflicted dilemma.
And if it means enough to lose all else I hold dear, and yet does not fulfill my heart, and its wild, wrong desires!
It's sabotage, of the self... and I don't mind!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Winter smoke...
Hanging all around the air, a silent reminder of all the sweet pain.
Wherever I go, it finds me there.
I can hardly breathe and yet it's keeping me sane.
Brings back in my mind that runaway love, and a little shiver around my shoulders. Always quiet, always scared... every step, every threat, every day.
Never knowing what next to expect, but that wintery smoke would always keep me safe.
With that tenderness of love, and a tinge of pain, that smoky chill would completely fill me in.
And even on the day I die, the winter smoke will enclose me in its warm embrace.
Oct 10, 07
6:27 pm
Wherever I go, it finds me there.
I can hardly breathe and yet it's keeping me sane.
Brings back in my mind that runaway love, and a little shiver around my shoulders. Always quiet, always scared... every step, every threat, every day.
Never knowing what next to expect, but that wintery smoke would always keep me safe.
With that tenderness of love, and a tinge of pain, that smoky chill would completely fill me in.
And even on the day I die, the winter smoke will enclose me in its warm embrace.
Oct 10, 07
6:27 pm
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
How
He'll get over it. Because he has nothing to lose. He's already lost everything.
I haven't lost anything in this.. at all. And I wish I had... because I wouldn't have the option then... to go back to what I have rejected already but what still awaits me, haunts me. And makes me feel ashamed, quietly deep inside. It makes me knot up so bad I want to choke up and die.. just to stop those images constantly spinning around in my head all the time... images.. of a past, so close and tempting and safe, and yet so unbearable and confining that it's almost damning, and a future, uncertain and so yet fantastic that it seems completely implausible, especially given my tendency to not believe, and the utter lack of faith in myself.
It's nothing new here, but again I'm gripped by thoughts of self-deprecation and guilt, over what I have become and if it's so terrible?
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Do I have any right to be wrong, if it makes me happy?
Would I never be happy, knowing that I'm wrong?
Surrounded by the doubts and regrets, for once, I don't want to repent what I am. I really just don't. I want to be proud and be able to move on. I just want to not be stuck here for what seems like forever. I want to not care, and not be bogged down by the thought of why I don't care.
By now, I have been told enough times that when you want something, rather than just talking about it, it's a better idea to just go for it and get it.
Be more proactive.
Take the lead.
Get rid of the complacency.
And I'd prefer that too, any day... if only the what-ifs would let me..
I haven't lost anything in this.. at all. And I wish I had... because I wouldn't have the option then... to go back to what I have rejected already but what still awaits me, haunts me. And makes me feel ashamed, quietly deep inside. It makes me knot up so bad I want to choke up and die.. just to stop those images constantly spinning around in my head all the time... images.. of a past, so close and tempting and safe, and yet so unbearable and confining that it's almost damning, and a future, uncertain and so yet fantastic that it seems completely implausible, especially given my tendency to not believe, and the utter lack of faith in myself.
It's nothing new here, but again I'm gripped by thoughts of self-deprecation and guilt, over what I have become and if it's so terrible?
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Do I have any right to be wrong, if it makes me happy?
Would I never be happy, knowing that I'm wrong?
Surrounded by the doubts and regrets, for once, I don't want to repent what I am. I really just don't. I want to be proud and be able to move on. I just want to not be stuck here for what seems like forever. I want to not care, and not be bogged down by the thought of why I don't care.
By now, I have been told enough times that when you want something, rather than just talking about it, it's a better idea to just go for it and get it.
Be more proactive.
Take the lead.
Get rid of the complacency.
And I'd prefer that too, any day... if only the what-ifs would let me..
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Meanings
Everybody has their own place in people's lives, and one must know that. This place keeps changing, and you have to keep learning to live with that.
Sometimes you underestimate your worth, sometimes you overestimate it, without even knowing it. But when you are made to realise that, you must step up, or step back. For your own good as for others'.
It's a great feeling to find that you mean more to someone than you imagined you did. And can hurt as hell to find that you don't.
Or it could all just be the other way round
Just depends on what that person means to you.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Gone
The rains will keep coming and going... but those bike rides and kisses are gone, forever...
I'll miss them.
I'll miss them.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
My Empty Head
(it's rly bad, but just some silly metro timepass!)
Lighten up, let go of your worries
It'll all happen in time, there are no hurries
Cheer up, smile and have a good time
But nothing seems right when I can't rhyme
The rhythm of the music, the beat of the song
Doesn't make me feel a thing, it's been so loonng...
A thing of beauty gives a joy so pale
Time after time, I just fail, fail, FAIL
The noise and the chatter feel so quiet and dull
Keep accumulating, but never feel full
Cribbing and crying are new entertainment
My life's slipping by, moment by moment
My empty head, my empty head
It couldn't be worse if I was dead
Struggling through quicksand that isn't even there
I've become so dumb and delirious, it isn't even fair
The same old words, the same old lines
I'm going quietly crazy, don't even know the signs
Done all the games and laughter, 20 times over
Minute by minute, lower and lower
Scattered dreams, and nothing ever comes closer
Not hard to believe, but damn! I feel like such a loser
Miss my love, and I miss my smile
Missing and missing is nothing but futile
My empty head, my empty head
Cut me apart, I'd rather be dead
Walk all over me, and I wouldn't mind
Have nothing to lose, and nothing I can find
Lighten up, let go of your worries
It'll all happen in time, there are no hurries
Cheer up, smile and have a good time
But nothing seems right when I can't rhyme
The rhythm of the music, the beat of the song
Doesn't make me feel a thing, it's been so loonng...
A thing of beauty gives a joy so pale
Time after time, I just fail, fail, FAIL
The noise and the chatter feel so quiet and dull
Keep accumulating, but never feel full
Cribbing and crying are new entertainment
My life's slipping by, moment by moment
My empty head, my empty head
It couldn't be worse if I was dead
Struggling through quicksand that isn't even there
I've become so dumb and delirious, it isn't even fair
The same old words, the same old lines
I'm going quietly crazy, don't even know the signs
Done all the games and laughter, 20 times over
Minute by minute, lower and lower
Scattered dreams, and nothing ever comes closer
Not hard to believe, but damn! I feel like such a loser
Miss my love, and I miss my smile
Missing and missing is nothing but futile
My empty head, my empty head
Cut me apart, I'd rather be dead
Walk all over me, and I wouldn't mind
Have nothing to lose, and nothing I can find
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