Uncomfortably Happy

It's easy to be cynical. It's easy to go on and on about how sad you feel and all that you find wrong with this world.
But it takes a lot to stand up and acknowledge how glad you are to be here, to have all that you have to do, and a lot more to look forward to.

For the past few days, I've been very happy, very very happy... for some reason, or none at all!
And yet I haven't been able to come up with a decent post to express this...
Which led me to think that maybe that isn't just the case with one blog post. That maybe even in general I have a hard time accepting that things are alright.
Almost as if I feel more comfortable surrounded by clutter, with things that I still have to fix...
And that I would feel incomplete without them. Because if I cleared them out, I'd have to move forward.. and maybe I don't know how to do that.. maybe I'm scared to do that.

And so this happiness doesn't feel fulfilling.. It feels like a fool's bliss, 'cos I'm not really going where I want to, and that I'm happy being stuck at where I'm at.
Knowing that time's passing, and people are moving on, I'm just fixed right here... pretending to be happy and content, when I know in my heart... that it's not all that I want.

I don't just want to be happy.... I want to be miserable.. I want to work hard, move around and even be frustrated at times.
I want to feel busy, feel tense, be quiet and think about some real problems.
Most of all, I just want to get somewhere...... even if it kills me.

Blank Out

There are times when I don't have anything to say.

And then I wonder, if I've just gone blank, or if I just don't have any thoughts on that matter.

If the latter is the case, then there's just sooo many things that I don't have any opinions on.... too many!

Which is strange, considering that I seem to think so much.. so much that I almost do nothing else!
Is it because I'm stuck on one thought too long and too bad to think about others?

Even so, if I thought about even one thing so much, I should be getting somewhere.. only I don't seem to...

Maybe I don't really want to think about it.. or maybe, it doesn't matter, 'cos I'm not thinking with the intention of doing anything about it anyway.. which is worse than not thinking at all..

Shut down

It does not matter how great you try to think you are, if you don't really believe it. There's no way you can sustainably fake self-respect. You gotta love yourself...you just absolutely have to figure out a way to accept what you have and appreciate it! Because at every turn of life there's gonna be things happening that will make you want to give it up, that will make you want to scrap the act... and if you do, you're not really left with much to live with.

And don't be sad, even if you want to be. Because it does not matter. You gotta pull yourself together and not feel a thing. Shut down. Just don't let that feeling get into your head... 'cos it doesn't go away. Do something. Do anything.

It does not matter how depressed you are, as long as you are engaged in something "productive".
It may not be satisfying... but atleast it's an ego boost. To cover up your hopelessness otherwise. Atleast it's a distraction from having to think about how miserable you are.

So the next time I feel like feeling bad for myself, I probably won't do it. It's just too draining to feel bad for yourself anyway!
I guesss I'll just pick something up and start working on it.

Maybe it's better than acknowledging what a loser I've been acting like and actually doing something about it... easier, not better. But painless nonetheless.