Decided this evening that, doesn’t matter how this ends, I’d
let myself be.
Not be hard on myself for how people see me. Not bother what
was being said behind my back. Not be controlled, or pretend to put up a face
that someone was expecting to see on me.
Not be sensible. Not be stupid.
Unattractive. Desperate. Professional. Or competitive. And
certainly not feel even one worse than anyone else.
Not be confused. Or moral and righteous. Not be torn apart
in all directions about who I did or did not want to be.
But to completely OWN everything I was. Just be outraged and
unstoppable and hammer down the walls around me that seem to have grown thicker
as I try to hide away everyday.
I’d have that brownie sundae that I’ve been ‘avoiding’.
I’d smile and hug that good-looking man! And not feel it
wasn’t within my right to.
I’d gulp down pint after can of beer… every single one I
could find!
LAUGH SO HARD… laugh so hard I couldn’t remember how
miserable I’ve been feeling, or why.
And what did I find…
I was free as a bird.
I could fall and not be hurt.
I could talk without making sense, and still be heard.
The faster we moved
The louder I sang
The sweeter the abandon
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Sip! Sip! Sip! J
The hazy smoke… all up in circles,
smelling like every vivid memory in my mind,
playing around the curvy little smile on my face.
Branding happiness on my dirty brown skin.
Crazy hair riding the polluted city wind
And boy, could I care any less!
I did not have to apologise for any of it.
I was in love with the night…
In love with the stumbling steps
In love with all the strangers smiling at me
In love with the unknowns who made sure I was safe
And the dark outsiders I bid good night to!
And the mistakes I made that I wouldn’t have to worry about
till the next day, when I was sober again.
I was really happy tonight.
And I just wanted you to read this,
‘cos I thought you’d be happy to know.
