Standstill

Life has come to a standstill.
There is so much happening around, but when I close my eyes, I see nothing.
And the feeling of nothingness makes me shudder.
I find no love, no creativity.
Everything bland and dull. And the fears and controls of the past come back to haunt me.

The songs and the laughs, all seem monotonous.
The freedom chains me to this fixed, boring path that I'd rather never stray from. It doesn't challenge me anymore, and has nothing new to offer . . . but I carry on, thoughtlessly.

My tears are my only refuge to get away. But there is no pain, and no relief.
Only emptiness.
I cry and cry and cry, all alone, at the death of my soul, and at the spirit that could not even come alive. I sit and cry at the person I've become.
I cry.
I've lost myself among the crowds. I've never had any more friends, and never been any more guarded!

I fail, I FAIL miserably every time I try to communicate with myself. Nothing ever comes out of it, only tears... and I don't know what they mean!
And I cry more, because I can't bear this not-knowing. I can't bear the aimlessness and hopelessness of life any more...

My feelings entrapped within me want to burst out... but there is no outlet. I search and I search, but it's all dark.
I speak and I speak, never knowing if I mean it really.
I hear and I hear, never knowing how much of it really matters to me.
I try to read, but hardly understand.
I have no time... though I seem to do nothing. I see no future. I have no dreams anymore.

It's all a blur.
And the magnitude of this blankness hits me, right in the face. It overwhelms me every moment.

The hustle and bustle has numbed me to the point of believing that nothing is ever meant to happen. It's all just a rush without any feeling, and I am part of it.